My Latest God Moment

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My Latest God Moment

By the time Lorrin was 4 months, she had been vaccine injured for 10 weeks; her tiny body was having uncontrolled seizures lasting 5 minutes or longer. We had just started her on her second anti-seizure medication with zero hope in sight. I had no idea just how many drugs I would shovel into my daughter’s body during her 15 years of life. Another thing happened at this time that I was unable to truly comprehend, which was that Lorrin had just visited someone in her dreams. It was a perfect stranger actually, someone we had met by chance. I had purchased something at the local store and was returning it the next day when the clerk told me that Lorrin had come to her in her dream the night before. I immediately asked, “What did she say about me?” The woman replied, “We weren’t talking about you, we were just chatting.”

How could I ever know what was to take place over the next 15 years? Lorrin continued to have seizures pretty much every day, often all day long. We tried medication after medication to stop the seizures, even putting her into a coma twice when she was three. She spent most of her life on six anti-seizure medications at a time, continuing to have uncontrolled seizures. Lorrin never made any of her childhood gains that all parents boast about. She never walked or talked; she was fed through a feeding tube, at the age of 5 Lorrin had a tracheostomy placed to help her breath. By the age of 7 she had numerous surgeries; a rod put into her spine, both hips replaced, a Vegal implant to help those pesky seizures, her tonsils out. She required constant care throughout her lifetime. We spent 171 days in Cedar’s Sinai ICU in 1998, where she almost died countless times. My life as I knew was over; her future was bleak, to say the least.

It was clear that Lorrin’s body was a train wreck, but her soul was powerful. She continued to draw people into her life by a blink of her baby blues. She had an amazing ability to wrap stranger’s hearts around her tiny fingers. She continued in her ability to communicate via dream state. Lorrin was full of love and people were either drawn to her or afraid of her. In 6th grade, Lorrin had a nurse named Debbie, who went to school with her every day. One day she came home after working with Lorrin for six months and told me, “You know, Lorrin answers questions before I ask them.” My reply was, “If I had told you that Lorrin could tap into your thoughts, you would have thought I was crazy and never believed me, but when you see it for yourself you just know.” Lorrin died December 22, 2009, that night she visited her best friend Sarah in her dreams three separate times. When I went to see Sarah the next day to tell her of Lorrin’s crossing, she told me that Lorrin had already told her. We talked often about those dreams and how it seemed that Lorrin was trying her best to console her as she transitioned out of her body. The funny thing is that amongst all of Lorrin’s disabilities she made people feel safe. Lorrin was totally comfortable with who she was, and as I have already said, she was full of love, which is really powerful.

Many magical moments happened during her 15 short years. I was forever reminded of her love of God; she was never afraid even as she took her last breath. I would often argue with Lorrin telling her that she was an angel, and I was just a regular mom! Parenting a special needs girl with special abilities is not exactly in any parenting magazine that I had read. My need for confirmation was and still is a big part of what fuels my soul. One of the many things that I learned over the years was that Lorrin was always communicating, I just needed to listen differently.

While packing for my trip to Los Angeles in May, I did something I never do and grabbed a Rosary that has been sitting on top her alter in my room since her death. It lay draped on a pair of her favorite Ed Hardy shoes that she used to wear. Lorrin was always in a wheelchair, and her shoes were fashionable and remained in pristine condition. During my trip to LA, a few magical things happened that were unexpected. One of those things was that I was going to participate in a Q & A panel for Vaxxed in Lorrin’s hometown. The second was to meet Sheila Lewis Ealey in person for the first time. I woke up that morning feeling very excited and really wanted to bring Sheila something special. I pondered about what I could give to her on our first time meeting, and it was then I heard this voice in my head, “Mom give her the Rosary.” Then Lorrin and I started having this conversation in my head as we often do, I said, “No, that is mine, and it makes me think of you.” She said, “Mom, give it to her, and your hearts will forever be connected.” I was really struggling with this idea of letting go of such a sentimental item, even though I knew it was just an item. I tried to argue with Lorrin telling her that Sheila was Southern Baptist and not Catholic, but Lorrin stood firm on her instructions to me.

Begrudgingly, I dropped the Rosary into my purse and thought of every reason to keep it there. As breakfast finished, I told Sheila, “I have something that Lorrin wanted me to give you and, please don’t take offense I know you are not Catholic, and I handed her the Rosary.” Sheila had a bewildered look on her face; her eyes started to tear up, and she said, “No one knows this about me, I pray the Rosary every day.” We both were a bit teared up and hugged each other totally blown away. I felt so happy that I listened to my sweet angel and what a beautiful reminder that Lorrin is everywhere doing her magic and making sure that parents know that the children are listening.

Now, this story is not so much about me, Sheila or Lorrin, it is a story about a God moment. Those beautiful times in life when we are reminded that there is something much bigger than we could ever imagine going on. Our children are communicating, and our souls are all connected. I am so glad that I listened on that day as I was packing. At that time, I had no idea that I would get this wonderful opportunity to meet Sheila in person. I heard a voice tell me to bring the Rosary and I did. I am also pleased that I was able to release something that I held very dear to me. It has connected Sheila and I and what a wonderful reminder that God is always with us.

I was not raised in a church. I found my spiritual belief from Lorrin, my greatest teacher. I learned not to question the magic, but to expect it. I believe in love and that each soul is important. I believe that we are all connected and when we unite in love that is when we are doing God’s work.

You may think this is all crazy, but hold on, because the story is not quite over. After I had returned home, each morning I looked at my alter seeing an empty spot where the Rosary had been. I knew in my heart giving Sheila the Rosary was meant to be, but selfishly I still missed it. About a week later I was in my kitchen, and I saw a tiny black velvet bag on my counter. I asked my husband what it was as I grabbed it and a purple Rosary slipped out of the bag into my hands. My heart sank as I looked at him. He had no idea where it came from. I knew in that moment that I was being gifted a lesson of letting go and reminded the power of prayer, love and God and the magic of how mountains are moved when we believe. Because I am human, I still needed to call all my neighbors to see if they had put this on my counter. I really can’t put into words how this experience has re-opened my heart to the power of prayer. I am sharing it with you in hopes that it makes you revisit your spiritual beliefs knowing that our children are powerful little beings no matter their abilities they are communicating, and it is our jobs as parents to love and listen.

I found this online – How To Pray The Rosary – The purpose of the Rosary is to help keep in memory certain principal events or mysteries in the history of our salvation, and to thank and praise God for them. There are twenty mysteries reflected upon in the Rosary, and these are divided into the five joyful mysteries, the five Luminous Mysteries, the five Sorrowful Mysteries, and the five Glorious Mysteries.

I Don’t Know What I Want To Be When I Grow Up….

The Buzz 2014

I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. But I am excited to start 2014, as the author of my new book, “A Unique Life Fully Lived”.

About 18 years ago I attended my first Abilities Expo with my daughter Lorrin. I was invited by Lorrins physical therapist and was told it was a “must” attend for families living a unique life experience. I went kicking and screaming as I did most things that involved my new life as a parent of a child with multiple disabilities. Unexpectedly, It opened my world in many ways. I found out that people living unique lives were fun, powerful and inspiring. Who knew? I returned year after year and befriended many vendors. When Lorrin was in her teens I worked at the Disabled Dealer booth sharing her accessible pinball machine. I had great fun and met all kinds of wonderful people.

In 2010 only months after Lorrin’s death, I remember leaving the Abilities Expo Los Angeles and walking through the parking structure feeling as though someone had finally cut my umbilical cord. I was sad, holding my stomach, barely able to walk. I was finally free of all things unique. Throughout that day I grieved Lorrin but felt a boost every time I was connecting with someone who was doing amazing things, even though they were differently abled. I kept thinking to myself, “It feels like Lorrin is near.” The more I thought about it the more that I realized I was a lifer in this community of awe-inspiring individuals.

As I complete my life’s work as Lorrin’s mother, many emotions come to the surface. What is the purpose of sharing our story? Each day I remind myself the reason I write. I remember being a parent before the Internet, feeling lost and scared. At times I was afraid of my daughter, but always afraid for her future. Connecting with people living unique lives gave me permission to get creative with how I was parenting Lorrin. The wonderful thing about parenting a unique child is that there are no rules, so I made up my own.

As a child I never wanted to be a writer. I started writing after Lorrin’s vaccine injury to save myself from the mad thoughts that filled my head. Being Lorrin’s parent changed my life and put me in a direction that I never imagined taking. In a dream one time, Lorrin laughingly said to me, “Mom, if nothing more, I have given you something to write about.” Lorrin always the calm one, also told me, “Life is but a coffee break!” One truth I learned from my daughter was that, if she was not worried, then why should I be?

A Unique Life Fully Lived is just that, a life lived with many experiences. It will make you cry. You can ask my husband the editor how many tissues he has gone through.  At one point he said, “I have never cried so much in my life”. It will also make you laugh and hopefully fill your heart with hope and peace. I was not and am never going to be a sainted mother.  I made many mistakes along the way and learned many life lessons from my daughter and random strangers who I met because of her.

It is my wish that my readers are inspired to try harder and to love themselves more. I also hope they become open to the wonderful and magical experience that unique children share.

I hope this book helps you to surrender your attachment to any expectation of what you thought your parenting experience was going to be and encourages you to surrender to what it is and ENJOY!  There is enormous power behind just accepting your child just as they are. When you do this as a parent the entire dynamics change, and that is a promise!

I am excited about 2014, and am honored to be an Ambassador for the Abilities Expo for the second year. I can’t wait to be in Los Angeles and all the Expos. I long to reconnect with the amazing people from prior years and meet new families. I hope my book finds its way into the right hands and helps our unique and wonderful children by helping their parents.

 

A Unique LIfe Fully LIved