Recently at my fourth Autism One conference I experienced that familiar response after one finds out that Lorrin has died. Some had tears pool in their eyes and a look of pity came over their face. Each person who hears our story puts himself or herself in my place. I understand it, I do. Of course it is every mother’s greatest fear to lose her child. But the truth is that it didn’t happen over night, it took many years for me to get the understanding and place of peace that I am at now. Lorrin being my greatest teacher came in to this lifetime with big shoes to fill.
It saddens me deeply meeting so many parents living with vaccine injury. Their desperate search to recover their precious babies reminds me of the first years of Lorrin’s life. Back in 1994 I did all that I could do to “heal” Lorrin. Isolated, before the Internet I took Lorrin anywhere and everywhere to fix her. It wasn’t until she was three years old that I realized that she came here to live in this seemingly broken body to help others and me. The healing that I was looking for in Lorrin was actually meant to take place in me. I was the one who needed help.
I think the hardest part of being Lorrin’s mom was finding the balance in doing all that I could do to help her be as comfortable as she could in her broken body and still remain in a state of grace, fully understanding that she was perfect the way she was. I miss being a mom, her sweet face, those little crooked feet and her big blue eyes each looking in a different direction.
So how can I explain to parents that I am ok with Lorrin not being physical? It is hard to put into words; it has been a journey and a life lesson. My inner peace is from Lorrins teachings that have become my belief system. She taught me that Life is just a coffee break. Our time on earth is brief. We are here to learn lessons of love. It is my belief that Lorrin and I have lived many life times together; her taking care of me and visa versa. Before she came here she agreed to this body that appears to the rest of us as a horrible existence. I agreed to be her mother. She was totally comfortable with who she was and had a huge faith in God. She understood higher realms and communicated to people in many different ways without words. Lorrin has always talked to people in their dreams. She told me once, “Mom if you could see what I do, you would not worry so much and you would enjoy life more.” Lorrin always wanted me to be in a place of self-love.
I am in awe to all the brave parents who are fighting the fight. Recovery is happening for so many children. But I just want to say that if your child is not recovered please be open to the idea that they are perfect the way they are and here to teach you many wonderful lessons. I encourage you not to get so caught up in the fixing that you miss the journey. Being unique has awesome benefits. In all Lorrin’s brokenness she made people feel comfortable drawing them in with her loving energy.
Please know I understand the look. Yes, something tragic happened to my family. The truth is that tragic events happen all the time. The true tragedy would have been if I missed her life lessons and missed the joy in being Lorrin’s mother. Lorrin was/is an amazing teacher and that was only made possible by her uniqueness. She never walked or talked and in 15 years taught me more than I could have learned in lifetimes. I often think about what she would be like if she would “normal” and wonder if we would have been so close? Would I have met Sarah her BFF? The best part of who I am is because SHE came here in a body that most see as insignificant. To all you moms, dads, caregivers and onlookers to unique children, please know that each of us wants the same things in life we just manage to do them differently. Life is short and meant to be embraced and treasured. I always say quality not quantity.
Our unique children are changing the world. Lorrin is one of many messengers of love and light. I believe that there is a healing taking place and parents all over are seeing the magic in their precious children who are strong and powerful, communicating with each other on a level that most of us don’t understand yet. Be open to the journey and do your best to stay in the moment. Life is happening.